Her little hands pressed against the window of the daycare center with tears streaming down her face. Munira from the daycare held her lovingly but the little girl wanted me to hold her. I turned away, got my bike and rushed off. Brushing away my sadness and cycling as hard as I could to not feel that guilt.
In time at the train station to catch my train, I turned to my book while waiting amongst all the people going to work that day, looking at their phones or listening to music. The entire train ride I dove into my book. Anything to not feel that nagging feeling. Distraction to not feel. I feel so bad I grab in my purse for that bar of chocolate. In the early morning, I eat my chocolate like I do every work morning. Embarrassed but all the while pretending in my head that it’s just this one time.
After arriving at my destination I walk to the office. Again amongst all the people going to work that day. Rushing. Gazing ahead.
I arrive just in time to clock in so I can make my 7,5 hours that day. I’m the last one to walk in my shared workspace and I ignore all the gazes of “We’re here at 08:30 and so should you be”. I sit down, smile, say good morning to everyone and start my workday.
I put on a facade. I put on a show. Pretending to belong here while I feel more estranged from myself than ever. Talking with my colleagues about things I’m not interested in. Pretending I should be happy with such a job. Pretending I should fit in.
I’m confused. And I feel like sh*t within.
Supervisors come and go with work. Commanding “this and that”. At the end of the workday I’m praying that my supervisor will leave that thing I needed to do today and for which I’ve been waiting 2 hours, for tomorrow, but no, I hear him coming in the hallway. “Could you do this now?”. 20 minutes before I want to leave the office.
I work like crazy to finish it. Bring it to my supervisor and leaving the room immediately to not be asked to do another assignment. I’m the first one to leave. I clock out. Exactly 7,5 hours; “yes!!!”. I catch my train. I take my bike and I arrive at daycare.
There’s my little girl. Reading on the lap of Layla who’s giving her some one-on-one attention. She’s the last one left to be picked up.
I go home with her, feeling tired, exhausted and just empty. Barely capable of giving my little girl the attention she wants. Barely able to listen to her stories or talk with her. I want to be left alone. I want to spend time with her. I’m tired. So freakin’ tired.
We eat. I put her to bed. I crash in front of the TV and go to bed. Not wanting to feel the feelings I have.
We repeat the same thing tomorrow.
During that period of a couple of years, I felt estranged from myself. Confused because I had a good job, I could pay the bills, but wasn’t happy. I felt so tired, irritated and not happy about how things were going in my life. I was confused as I didn’t have patience with my daughter. I was irritated and got mad so easily. I wanted to spend time with her, but when I could spend time with her I couldn’t bring it up.
I just couldn’t. And I didn’t understand why?
I should be able to work and take care of her just like anyone else.
But I couldn’t.
I ignored my inner wisdom. I ignored my inner compass and used my surroundings as a guidance to what I was supposed to do.
Go to work. Take care of your family. Take the weekends off.
But what I did was: Go to work. Being unable to spend real quality time with my family because I was too tired and irritated. Too tired in the weekends to relax and do fun stuff.
During those years I was in a constant stress state which was exhausting as well as diminishing my quality of life.
And I wonder
Why did it take so long for me to take action and put my well-being first?
Being in a constant stress state, feeling constantly overwhelmed is a huge burden on your mind and body. It inhibits you from seeing your own truth and taking the right action.
At least, it did for me.
Being in a constant stress state extremely diminished my ability to see the bigger picture, to think logically and to take a step back. I couldn’t self-reflect. I couldn’t think about other options. My brain was fogged.
Being overwhelmed with everything I focused solely only work and providing. I ignored the quality of life for me and my daughter. I was stuck and lost myself in the idea I had to have a job and take care of the bills. Everything else just isn’t important.
My wellbeing. Mine and her happiness. It just isn’t as important than a job and paying the bills.
As I was so narrow focused due to the stress and the overwhelm I wasn’t able to tackle those lack beliefs; that the job I have is the only way to pay the bills. “It’s crisis time (this was back in 2008) and you should be lucky to have a job.”
The stress and overwhelm were breeding grounds for those lack beliefs. I felt rushed, never having enough time, never ever having enough money. I felt a huge pressure to keep this job or else…..Lack and contraction were a day-to-day confirmation for me.
It wasn’t until I started to let go of the things in my life that were draining to me, that I started to realize how important relaxation is for your mind, body and overall wellbeing.
And I don’t mean a break on the weekends.
True, deep, and all encompassing relaxation, that you are throughout the day.
In the last couple of years, I’ve been letting go of the job that didn’t fit me, a lifestyle that didn’t fit me, friends that didn’t fit me, things that didn’t fit me, thoughts that didn’t fit me, and beliefs that didn’t fit me.
It wasn’t until I quit the job, quit the lifestyle, quit the wrong friends and after creating more breathing room and space for myself to be ME, that I realized that I couldn’t be ME because I still had the thoughts and beliefs that inhibited me to really be me.
The thoughts and beliefs with which I created a life that didn’t resonate with who I am.
The thoughts and beliefs I wasn’t able to tackle when being stressed and overwhelmed.
And when I got those to my consciousness to be transformed and worked through, could I feel what true relaxation is. And how important that is for your own personal development.
Through relaxation you can:
- Make distinctions between your feelings. Being able to truly feel what’s good and what’s not good for you. You are able to not let yourself be misguided by your own unconscious patterns where you think something feels good, but that’s only the case because it keeps an unconscious pattern unconscious instead of bringing it to the surface where things don’t feel good and you need to change.
- Create a loving environment within where there’s no rush, no lack, no frustration, no negative feelings towards yourself, and where there are love and openness to whatever you want to work through.
- Heal your mind and body from the stress state you were in. Taking time to eat well, move and rest without feeling rushed, not worthy or whatever that has held you back before.
- Create space for you to feel and be like your best self. To feel trust and confidence that you too can do an be your best self. Being able to work on limiting beliefs and transform them into empowering ones so you too can thrive.
What are the necessary conditions for the above to come to fruition?
- An environment that’s in line with where you want to go and who you want to be.
- An environment with an energy and vibration that’s so different from yours is energy draining and it takes a strong mindset, lots of willpower and lots of energy to be able to work on You in such an environment. It can be done of course. I did it too. When I started to transform I got fired from my job as I didn’t fit in anymore. Which was a good thing, because it set things in motion for me. So when you do transform the difference between your environment and you will get bigger and bigger and things will change automatically. But I do feel that a more loving and more tranquil way is to change environments so you can change within that more suitable environment. From my experience, it’s more easy, more loving and a more smooth transition.
- People around you who support you in tackling your limiting beliefs and transforming them.
- People around you who do things and who are a certain way can inhibit or empower you. It’s the same with your environment. When the people around you are in line with your true self wanting to come out, they can support you, empower your, accept you and love you in your transformation process.
- A mentor or coach to help you with this transformation process.
- Change can be hard. Especially when fear is involved. Getting your unconscious patterns to the surface is a process with which guidance and insights from someone who has done the same thing can be (a) helpful and (b) shorten your learning curve. I have struggled and done things all on my own. Making my personal development process longer than necessary. I read books and I did courses, but because of my internal environment of stress and overwhelm, I could never implement the teachings. A mentor or coach can show you your unconscious patterns as well as ways specifically tailored to your personality to transform them. She can support you, hold you, love you and lovingly nudge you to keep on going, no matter how hard things seem.
As you walk the path of becoming your true self, you have to find the courage to make decisions that are in alignment with who you really are.
Because when you don’t, that’s when you feel overwhelmed, stressed and even depressed.
In fact, that’s actually how you know you’re OUT of alignment.
Those emotions need to be felt. And you can avoid them like I did, but they will always be there until you bring them to the surface of your consciousness to transform them.
Nowadays my workdays look a lot different.
She gives me a kiss in the morning. Groggy and not yet awake. This little girl is not so little anymore and is transforming in her teens. I’m here to make breakfast, to help her ease through her emotional transformations, to be there to help her pick her clothes (which is a huge thing) and stay calm when there’s a clothing sh*t storm. I’m here to help her with her homework, to wave her goodbye when she’s off to school.
When she’s off I turn on my laptop and start my workday.
I’m here for her.
And that is something that gives me the best feeling in the world as it is in alignment with who I am.
Ps. If you want to learn more about transforming your unconscious patterns, aligning yourself with your true self and much, much more, you can subscribe to my weekly e-mails below.