The sun is shining and my 2 dogs are walking happily with me. It’s spring and the flowers are out, the breeze is soft and gentle and I’m enjoying the sounds of the little rocks and gravel under my feet.
When I look around all I can see is green grass, trees, reed, water, country sidebirds and just nature. And I feel happy and fulfilled.
I have these moments very often and I love them. They remind me of the feeling of being in a country where it’s warm, where it’s quiet and calm and where the pace is slow. Where I feel relaxed and in tune with myself. Where I can see new scenery, meet new local people and blend countryside of life.
When I think of these moments and when I’m in one of those moments, my heart opens up and I feel so in tune with myself and with nature.
It’s the thought of being in a new place, being in a different local country scenery, of that relaxed pace and way of living that lights up my heart. It makes me come alive and feel love everywhere within me.
My desire is being able to go to places that make me feel this way. My reality at this time is that I’ve been in the same place for years now.
And every time I experience such a moment as described above I’m reminded of my calling to find places where I feel that way.
But I haven’t been able to enjoy those moments since recently.
If you’ve been following me for some time you probably know that it’s taken me quite some time to learn my lessons.
Fear, insecurity and lack beliefs have dominated my inner world and it has taken me years and a real low point in my life to get me to change my view on life and on myself.
I remember a couple of years ago walking somewhere else in my town on the same kind of little stones and gravel path and having the same feeling from withing but that time I brushed it aside (as was my way of doing). I brushed it aside because my fear and anger towards myself were too much for me to handle at that time.
I couldn’t look myself in the eye and acknowledge that I’d been ignoring my inner calling for so long. I felt frustrated and trapped within my body and my mind and although I was frantically looking for a way out, I couldn’t commit myself to it. I was too scared.
So I’ve always heard my inner calling. I’ve always felt my true self lovingly directing me towards different paths but I was too scared to follow. My self-esteem was so low, my self-worth was so low that I didn’t believe myself capable and worthy of a different life than doing things that didn’t resonate.
How could I live a life that felt good and fulfilling? How could I do that if all I felt was that I couldn’t amount to anything? That every day was purely about surviving. Surviving my inner critic, pretending to have figured things out, trying to not show how I really felt from the inside, trying to be someone who could hold herself in society all the while feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated and so freakin’ scared….
At that time, on that little stones and gravel paths, I wasn’t ready yet.
But there are a couple of years between that moment and the moment a couple of days ago in the sun with my 2 dogs.
In that moment I was able to feel it. To open myself up to that feeling. To listen to my true self. To listen to my calling.
I’ve worked through my fear and anger towards myself and I could open myself up to my true self and feel what it is that’s best for me.
Every such moment where you are in a certain experience or situation where you feel a discrepancy between what you experience and what you desire is an invitation to dive within yourself. Every fear is to be conquered for you to be your best self.
We can only grow by looking our fears in the eye and going beyond our own self-proclaimed limitations. All those limitations are in your own mind and are a fragment of your imagination. Those thoughts, your anger, your fear is there to help you see the thoughts you have about yourself and the world that are not in line with who you truly are.
Every time you feel a discrepancy, you feel scared, is a time to take a deep breath, sit down and take the time to contemplate about what this means for you.
For me, there were about 5 years between the 2 experiences of walking on those paths of little stones and gravel and feeling my true self-calling me to go where I need to go. I haven’t gone yet but I listen now. I’ve faced my fear and my anger and I listen now. I can listen and I’m not so scared anymore that I ignore my true self’s calling.
I listen. I feel it. I’m ready.
Life is meant to be lived. I’ve lived a lot of years in fear and contraction and I’m not doing that anymore. With these posts, I’m hoping to inspire you to not take as long as I have.
If you feel something’s off and you feel you’re too scared to listen to it.
Open up your journal and write every day what it is that you’re afraid of during the day. This way you’ll get acquainted with the fear and not muffle it away. You will see the same fear coming back again and again with a different coat on and you’ll recognize that fear.
Instead of looking away you’ll start to recognize it and experience that the fear will not eat you up alive. That every time you write down that fear you had during the day, you’ll see that you’re still there.
And when you’ve done that enough times to be comfortable with your fear, then you can take the next step. A step closer to your true self. A step closer towards your soul’s purpose.
Trust me when I say it’s not worth it to listen to that fear for so long. It’s a waste, it’s all in your head and you’re stronger than you think.
Such a discrepancy as described here is a challenge and an invitation for you to rise and step up. To step into your true self more and more.
Face the fear. Living a life with fear and not doing what you’re meant to do is far worse than facing the fear.
Trust me on that.
Ps. If you want to join the CLWC (Conscious Living with Carmen Community) of women who want to love their life while creating their dream life, please subscribe. It’s fun, educational and self-reflective and you’ll definitely learn more about stepping into your true self.