Do you know those moments where Life gives you a huge sign that you should do something (or not do something)? Where you can see an orchestrated play in front of your eyes for the benefit of your soul’s calling? Where it feels like Life is giving you a hand in choosing what’s right, or a mirror for you to look in and choose something different?
And how many times did you ignore those signs?
I ignored a huuuge sign a few years ago. And that has shaped my life in a big way.
Growing up my sensitivity was very strong. Whenever life got too stressed for me I blacked out. I couldn’t handle lots of information and too much input was too much for me.
From a young age on I learned to cope with that. I learned to toughen up. With that, I also learned to muffle my soul’s calling and to stop listening to my own voice and listen to other voices instead.
I learned to put more emphasis on other people’s expectations and opinions than on my own.
The consequence of these choices and actions was that I developed a low self-worth (as I seem to be broken and needed fixing) as well as the idea that I’m not capable of surviving in this world let alone shine and thrive.
I started to choose for things, people, and experiences that weren’t in line with my true self, because that’s the world I knew and I didn’t know how to step out of that. So I chose for university (while suffering from major fear of failure) and after that for jobs as an assistant and secretary because I felt that the only way to work was to do what I was told instead of listening to my own voice.
So years ago I made the decision to work at a small office nearby where I live so I would have less commute stress. I graduated about 3 years before, had been a mom for 4 years and a single mom for 2,5 years.
The job I had before I took this one involved me being there early and leaving late 4 days a week. My daughter started to show stress signs that I recognized and I decided to make a shift in jobs. My intention to go to work there was that my daughter would experience less stress by me leaving early and coming back late.
I made the choice to shift jobs because of my daughter. Which was a good stimulation for me to get moving. But I still chose to do work that I didn’t love. That didn’t resonate with me. And this is where Life handed me a beautiful sign and mirror to choose for myself this time. Because the lady boss of that office really loved what she was doing and she was telling me about that, every-single- day.
I had my desk behind a little wall – like a reception kind of thing – and she would lean on that wall every single morning, telling me “that she loves what she does” and that “she wouldn’t do anything she didn’t love”.
This too was a very clear invitation for me to learn a lesson, to dive deep into the discrepancy of what I desired and what I did. I had a lady telling me in my face how important it is to do what you love.
As I had been doing things I didn’t love for over 10 years, I didn’t know how to respond. I felt pain, shame, and frustration. I wanted to yell at her that “I too want to do what I love and that this isn’t it”. I felt so uncomfortable, restless and scared. I started to make mistakes in my work and underperform as I felt so bad about myself as well as confused.
But it was a signal. It was a sign. It was an invitation. It was a challenge to do something that scared me but would take me closer to who I truly am.
But instead of accepting this invitation I chose to ignore it. I quit and found another job.
I couldn’t handle the shame, pain, fear, and frustration. I walked away. I couldn’t imagine myself doing something that I love. I couldn’t imagine myself being capable of doing such a thing. The belief about myself not being worthy and not being capable was so strong that even though that belief made me feel so bad, I didn’t do anything about it. I walked away so I wouldn’t feel so bad anymore.
This situation showed me what I did and had been doing and I didn’t like what I saw. I felt ashamed and bad about myself.
This in itself was another challenge and invitation to dive into the feelings of shame and anger towards myself. And an opportunity to cleanse myself from these beliefs.
Instead, I walked away from it. I walked straight into a new office with new work that I didn’t love.
That decision that day influenced the other decisions I made afterward. The intention with which I made that decision influenced my other intentions. And it resulted in another decade of doing things I didn’t love.
At that time 2 major things influenced my being and my choices:
- The belief I’m not worthy nor capable; and
- The desire to be free and do what I love.
The belief I’m not worthy nor capable
This is a belief I’d taken up on when growing up. Such a belief comes from the thoughts and opinions from other people. That belief isn’t authentic nor true to my true self. A belief that’s stating something negative about yourself is NEVER true nor authentic. It’s ALWAYS a borrowed belief from associations you made from interactions with other people.
Such a belief is shaped by you while interacting with other people. You see and hear things about yourself and you start to form an opinion about yourself based on those interactions and associations you made.
You FORM an opinion about yourself.
That belief makes you feel a certain way. A negative belief about yourself, such as the one I’m discussing now, will make you feel bad about yourself.
I sure felt bad about myself most of my life. Thinking and feeling I’m not good enough or capable enough.
But this feeling bad is an indication that that belief isn’t true. Whenever you feel bad about something you think about yourself your negative emotions are telling you that you’re crazy thinking such things about yourself. That it’s absolutely not true what you’re thinking about yourself.
Just think about it. You probably had those experiences in your life where you just KNEW something was the right thing to do, say or be. You felt it in your entire body! Everything clicked and things worked out for the best. There was no hesitation, just a pure feeling of openness, excitement, and flow.
That’s your emotions telling you that what you’re thinking at that time is the right thing for you. That’s your cue from your Higher Self that what you’re about to do, say or be, is exactly what you’re supposed to do.
Now, think about it again. It’s the same with things that DON’T work for you but then the opposite. You’ll feel contracted, small and negative. You feel bad, frustrated and maybe even anger. Those emotions show you that what you’re thinking and about to do, say or be is NOT what you’re supposed to do. Is not in line with your Highest Self.
When identifying myself with the belief of “not being worthy” I felt so bad. I felt contracted and negative. That was my clue from my Higher Self that that belief is not who I am. That thinking and believing that is not in line with my true and authentic self.
But, we all have free will and I chose to ignore that. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have this knowledge nor wisdom and I “just” felt bad and walked away from it.
BUT, by feeling those emotions I AM such emotions and energy and I ATTRACT those emotions and energy.
So those 10 years of believing that belief, feeling the negative emotions (calling from my higher self that believing that belief isn’t true for me) made me attract situations, people, and experiences with the same kind of energy and vibrations. Again and again, I ended up in work situations that weren’t in line with my true and authentic self.
The fact that I had this lady boss telling me what I needed to hear has to do with point number 2 and I will get to that later in this blog.
When I left that little office with the lady boss I still believed that belief. I still felt contracted, frustrated, small, incapable and insecure so I was those emotions, I was those vibrations and I attracted exactly the same kind of experiences and people relating to those vibrations and I ended up in the office where I would spend the next 5 years doing work that I didn’t love in an environment that was belittling and limiting.
How you feel is an indication of what’s right and what’s wrong for you and how you feel influences the choice opportunities you attract in your life.
The decision I made then in that little office, wanting to walk away from those feelings, but still feeling and carrying those feelings with me (but less in my consciousness) influenced the course of my life after that. Because the choices I got presented with were of the same kind of vibrations I was feeling.
The desire to be free and do what I love.
From a young age on I had this desire to be free. Not the free that you see a lot these days of traveling the world, but to be free within my body, to be free of my mind. I had this desire to be ME. To be able to think, feel and do as is true for me.
Alongside the belief “I’m not worthy nor capable” was this strong desire. And these two energetic fields both influenced my surroundings and my experiences. With the belief and the emotions of the belief and it’s energetic influence, was the energetic influence of my desire to be free. Both unconsciously present but still emanating their energetic pulse.
The fact that I kept attracting work situations not in line with my true self had to do with my belief and associated emotions of not being worthy nor capable. The fact I encountered the boss lady telling me in my face “that she only does what she loves” has to do with my desire to be free and do what I love.
I attracted both. I created this seemingly paradoxical experience because I have those contradicting beliefs/convictions.
The lessons from this Story
The beliefs you have and the emotions that go with it create your life. When you have an (unconscious) belief with primarily negative emotions you create your life according to those vibrations. You attract experiences and people that resonate with that vibration.
Everyone has beliefs and you too. Some of which you are aware and some of which you are unaware, but they all influence and create your life.
To feel if a belief is in line with your true self, your emotions are key. Whenever a belief gives you negative and contracting emotions, that belief isn’t in line with your true and authentic self. When a belief makes you feel open, happy and in flow, it’s in line with who you truly are.
You can have contradicting beliefs that create contradicting experiences and people in your life.
Every experience you have is a result of the beliefs, emotions, and vibrations you have so every experience functions as a mirror for how you feel inside. Every situation and experience can be used for you to dive into the beliefs you have and see which beliefs you still want to keep and which beliefs you want to loose.
So learn from my story and instead of walking away from negative emotions, use them as a guide away from a limiting belief that’s keeping you small. Every choice you make now influences your subsequent experiences and choices.
Make every choice count and be aware of your emotions and your beliefs. They will bring you closer to your true and authentic self.
If you want to learn more about seeing your life as your mirror and how to step into your true self more and more, become a Conscious Living With Carmen community member. You’ll get a free workbook (41 pages) about facing your fears and why it hasn’t worked for you yet.