December 27, 2017
I had the pleasure of talking with my former boyfriend. He came round unannounced. He told me that when he started taking his afternoon walk, intending to go to nature but instead ended up walking to my house.
I’m very glad he did because we got to talk again. We still talk regularly. About what happened during our relationship. What made him end it. What my part was in everything and his part. Sharing our feelings, sadness, and love for each other.
This relationship has brought so much shadow shit to the surface for me. I have to come to terms with the fact that I let my fear and anxiety over jobs, business, and money get the better of me. That fear and anxiety ruled my emotions at the expense of our relationship. That my shadow shit ruled what I found important in my head while ignoring the callings of my heart.
Our relationship and the ending of it are a huge catalyst for me to dive even deeper into the person I think I am and the person I truly am. To shed the layers I have put up to reveal the true me more and more.
I’ve been quite ambitious the last couple of years. Trying to get ahead. Trying to make a living for myself and my family. Trying to do something that makes me feel proud of myself. Instead, I’ve drifted farther and farther away from my intentions. Not accomplishing anything I set my eyes on.
Losing the man I love has made me realize what I’ve lost because of this trying and made me take a good hard look at myself.
I’ve been living according to old habits and adopted beliefs. According to my shadow shit (that which I dare not put in the light).
For example, I’ve been very judgemental to non-ambitiousness. My former boyfriend isn’t the only “victim” of that. Judging non-ambitiousness tells me that I judge that in myself as well. Not being ambitious isn’t “allowed” so I’ve pushed that far into the shadow, only showing its head through judgment of other people.
Also, being at ease, being accepting, being open, being trusting are qualities I admire greatly in my former boyfriend, among others. Qualities I don’t express myself as anxiety and fear have ruled but qualities I do have and desire to be more.
Looking more closely at my admirations and judgments made me more aware of the person I truly am. which is quite different than the person I’m behaving like at the moment.
Letting go of my ambition, making room for ease, acceptance, and trust is the intuitive next step for me. No more working so hard towards something. No more letting fear of lack of money rule me. No more judging that which I fear to see.
A seemingly negative situation has so many treasures hidden in it. Losing the love of my life is sad. And maybe you’re experiencing a sad or anxious situation as well. But such a situation has such benefit for you if you’re willing to look at the lessons within it.
Looking at my own behavior, my own judgments, my own “negative” and “bad” behavior has opened my eyes to my true self more and more. Accepting, acknowledging my “negative” and “bad” behavior made me take a step towards to my true self I didn’t expect to take.
So whatever situation you might find yourself in. whatever “bad” things you might have done, you’re not a bad person and these experiences will make you – if you’re willing to look – become your true self more and more.
There’s nothing wrong with you for doing “bad” things, making “bad” decisions. You are probably being led by limiting beliefs, adopted ideas and artificial behavior not truly belonging to you.
Which is fine. And if you’re ready to change, if you’re ready or desiring to change yourself and your circumstances, those experiences are the best catalysts for it.
Look. Love. Live. Learn.
December 28, 2017
Do you know those flocks of starlings that can beautifully fly together? I saw a very very small one. Flying over the field and landing intermittently to forage.
Hopping about and suddenly flying up in the air altogether and landing somewhere else on the field.
As I was watching them land again and hopping about to find some food I noticed something very peculiar.
Those little starlings were hopping away from each other while forming a beautiful circle. As the landed as a group, they started to go their own way to search for food. But they didn’t just go anywhere, they all hopped away from the group and formed a circle.
As the circle became (I guess) too big, one half flew up to join the other half of the circle.
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen so far. Primarily because it confirmed to me the idea that has been forming in my mind.
Family, friends, a community is so very important. I’ve always had an attitude of doing everything all alone. Keeping a brave face while feeling otherwise, and showing a stronger me than I felt inside.
I never had trouble asking for help or receiving help, but really showing my insecurities, doubts, and fears are things I’m really doing just recently.
I always led people to believe (or so I hoped) that I’m stronger, more intelligent, more capable, more intentional than I truly felt.
This way keeping people at bay and never really building a little community of my own with family and friends.
This beautiful little flock of starlings, flying together, foraging together in a beautiful circle and flying back to each other when the circle got too big, made me truly realize you do need people around you.
Not just physically but emotionally. People around you to connect with. Be that your neighbor, your one friend, your dog or more people, but truly connecting to those around you.
There’s still shame around being who I truly am preventing me from truly connecting with other people.
And I do know that goes for other people as well.
But a flock of people accepting you, supporting you, helping you, and protecting you is so important for your emotional and spiritual well being.
Mostly because when you have those people around you, that means you’ve accepted, supported, helped, and protected yourself (or are in the process of that).
Being who I truly am, being who you truly are, is the way to gather a flock of other beautiful starlings around you. So I and you too can fly and forage like we are meant to.
Life isn’t meant to go about alone. It’s meant to be who you truly are. Showing your strengths and weaknesses to the people around you so you can complement each other with your own unique strengths and weaknesses.
This little flock of starlings made me realize a beautiful thing
December 29, 2017
He asked if I would join him.
And I did.
He put his arms around me and we started moving. Slowly at first. Getting to know each other’s movements. After a little while, we started moving in sync and the tempo went up.
He and I started sweating, moving around each other, bodies touching, arms moving, eyes locking in.
The world faded away in a blur and it was just him and me and our movement.
He asked if I would join him.
And I did.
Again arms around me. This time different moves. A different start and a similar ending. Sweat, movement, bodies, arms, eyes…..
The Cuban music is rhythmic with drums, vocals, enticing us all up as we all move around on the dance floor. Sweaty and happy faces all around.
I love to dance
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