Photo by Sarah Gray on Unsplash

I’m embarking on an inward journey because of my relationship with my business that I cannot seem to get off the ground. No matter what I do, how hard I work, it’s not working. Either it isn’t working because it’s not relevant for me or it isn’t working because my limiting beliefs are holding back the fruits of my labor.

As I’m working through “The Foundation” (first chapter of the book Emergence by Derek Rydall. See this post for more information about this journey) I read this sentence: “”The problem is, no matter what you try, as long as you’re coming from a place of fear and a feeling that you don’t already have what you need, nothing you do will ever get you what you want.”

We are not broken or incomplete. We are whole and everything there is is inside of us.

From a young age on we learn to disidentify with this piece of universal truth because we seem so separate from our surroundings. We seem separate from other people. It seems as if we need to behave or be a certain way to feel/be loved and/or accepted. From then on, we start to move away from this ever-present truth that we are. Namely, that we are whole, complete, perfect as we are.

Then these beliefs come in; “I need to do/be [……] in order to [….]. That’s how I formed my belief around my business. My business will give me my sense of worthiness.

These beliefs are based on a sense of lack. That something is missing. Worthiness. Success. Love, Happiness. But lack doesn’t compute with this universal truth of completeness. Of being whole. Of having everything inside of us already.

These lack beliefs carry with them a vibration of impossibility. Lack just doesn’t exist.

Even with my business not having success, doesn’t mean “non-success” exists. Or, that by having a non-successful business this means (to me) that I’m unworthy. Unworthiness is also something that doesn’t exist.

But it’s a process for me to truly understand that I am already everything. But, first, I needed to admit to myself that my business is based on a lack belief of not being worthy.

It’s not about helping people. It’s not about making a living. It’s not about raising my vibration. It’s about not feeling worthy.

And for a very long time, I had myself fooled by my mind, telling me things. Messing with me. For so long had I been following my joy within this business, thinking that that trail of joy was my truest excitement but I can tell you from experience, the ego is very smart.

My mind would come up with all these beautiful arguments as to why this business is the right thing. As to why this is my biggest excitement. As to why this is my path.

And if felt gooooood. It did…….. But no wonder, the ego would stay alive. This belief would still be in place. I wouldn’t have to deal with the insecurity of who I am without this belief. What a relief….and there I would think (or let myself think) that that relief was the feeling of excitement.

But to tell you the truth….I always knew. I knew deep down I was fooling myself. I wanted to believe my mind. I wanted to believe that this was my way to go. I’ve been believing this for over a decade and I couldn’t let that belief go. Because…..who would I be without it?

It would feel as a death. Which is true, the death of a lack belief. The death of one more attachment of and to the mind/ego.

This admitting to myself that I’ve been fooling myself has opened the door to awareness of more manifestations of a general lack belief.

For example, the other day on a Sunday it was a beautiful sunny day but I was overstimulated and felt the need to stay in and to lessen the amount of input. But every time the sun would show his face after a cloud passed, I would think “I need to go outside”, “the sun could be gone any minute now” (I live in the Netherlands where the weather fluctuates between as well as during the day(s).)

Even this little thought is based on the lack belief that the sun could disappear. That I would lack sunshine.

And this doesn’t happen very consciously. I would notice this with a slight pang of guilt within my body every time the sun would come out again.  And I don’t like to admit it, but these little pangs of guilt, shame, anger, frustration, fear happen throughout the day more than I would like (to admit).

This process, becoming aware of these little signs of these lack beliefs is so important. By realizing this now, now that I’ve taken up the courage to admit to myself that I’ve been believing my own made-up stories, it has opened up the door to awareness of more manifestations of this lack belief.

Writing about this, opening up has helped me tremendously with acceptance and acknowledgment.

I don’t yet know how to embody the success that I’m desiring, which I have already within me, I don’t yet know how to open up that connection (which is never gone), but that’s fine by me.

This process of admitting that I’ve been fooling myself is so freeing in itself. It’s so liberating. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t need to pretend anymore, as that’s what I’ve been doing (unconsciously).

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Have a great week!

Love,

Carmen