The past few weeks have been tough on me. I had a lot on my plate. Too much actually. I had too little time to recuperate and too little time to myself. In the beginning, it was okay but after a week or so I could feel the change happening. I started going from feeling and being okay to feeling and being not okay.
I felt it in my body. Tiredness setting in. When I got up, my eyes felt heavy, my mind still busy with my dreams, getting up earlier than I feel was good for me at that time.
I sensed it in my behavior. Reverting back to the essentials that needed to be done. Doing the basics and no more.
I observed it in the discrepancy between my desires and capabilities at this time. I desire to do more than I can. I desire to go to that class with friends. I desire to make that healthy meal. I desire to do my yoga practice.
But all I can is lie on the couch and watch Netflix in my spare time (Netflix is not a necessity though, but a choice 😉 )
My body and mind’s reactions are in response to last week. A busy week with lots of fun, new experiences and a whole lot of laughter and no alone-time whatsoever. It’s a consequence of a building up of input and no downtime to process.
I see and hear my mind and voice in my head coming up with all sorts of stuff like:
“you SHOULD do (…….)”,
“you will miss out on.(………)”,
`if you don’t do (…..), (…..) will happen and things will go bad”,
“I want to do this and I’m so bad, stupid, dumb, incompetent, etc for not being able to function 100% ALL the time”, you’re weak compared to others”……
I felt my emotions roaring within. Fear and frustration predominantly.
All in all, it was a tug of war inside of me.
Before all my spiritual practices, I would take my rest and lose myself in, for example, Netflix, frustrated and angry with myself, and ignoring what went on inside and fantasizing an entirely different future reality.
What I did was NOT be with what went on inside. I was still too identified with my mind and emotions. I couldn’t handle what went on inside and I would escape and ignore.
Now I know that my mind and emotions are coming from conditioning and limiting beliefs not yet (fully) integrated. Now I understand that my voice in my head, my mind, will always have its opinion.
I now feel I am not my emotions nor my mind.
Now I can be with whatever is happening within and relax with it. Letting the energy within untangle itself so the energetical blockages can dissolve and the energy will flow again.
It’s not easy and not always fun to do. Sometimes I do lose myself in frustration, which is fine. I don’t expect perfection from myself and I know it takes practice.
So every slip back into identification with my mind is just what it is. A slip. I get up, dust myself off and keep on going. I do this every time.
And I see progress. It might be small or it might take some time (sometimes a day, or weeks and with more emotional blockages even years as I’m a stubborn woman) but I feel it happening.
Relaxing with what is, is the only way for me to release the emotional charge. And every time I do that I notice the times that I’m feeling not okay lessen as well as the intensity of those times.
When you feel not okay, relax into it so it can be released; Relax and Release. This might be difficult and I understand. But the only way is through. You can ignore and put away your not-okay feelings, but the belief and the conditioning are still there and will keep signaling to you until you face it. Until you sit with it and give it the attention it desires.
Relaxing and releasing are, to me, the most difficult things to do. Sitting with what’s going on inside while it’s roaring within; frustration, sadness, anger, or any other feeling I still find difficult. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. It just means I need to practice more. That’s it.
We didn’t learn how to ride a bicycle or learn how to walk in one go. We learned by falling and getting up. We learned by trying and perseverance. Just because it’s difficult and hard, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Relax and release is the only way through any difficult emotion. It’s the only way to dissolve a limiting belief.
Attention. Sitting with it. Letting it be. Even if it’s just for 5 minutes.
Healing is inner work that can feel ego shattering and like a mental and physical detox.
Failures are there to learn from and there’s no greater feeling that growing as a person spiritually and emotionally. Our “failures”, our “feelings of not being and feeling okay” will define us if we take a chance on them. Sit with them and relax and release.
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