I can manifest amazing things. It feels as if life takes care of me at those moments. Everything falls into place and almost always in a different way than I imagined. But I always stay at a certain level of attraction/manifestation.
After manifestation, stagnation follows. And many times after stagnation, deterioration comes next. I always wondered how other people could attract and manifest the things I desire, like a successful business, while I’m not even able to attract consistent people to coach. It seems so hard to manifest my business, my coaching, while it lights me up inside, while I’m good at what I do.
And this leads me to my second lesson learned from the chapter “Foundation” by Derek Rydall (for more info about my journey inward, see this post).
“What we create will always be congruent with our current self-image, so any improvement we attempt will still carry the underlying fears and limiting beliefs we have about ourselves….”.
Although I always knew (as ultimately we all know deep down what’s the right way to go) my circumstances are a reflection of my inner world, I never dared to venture any deeper into my own inner world.
My manifestations and creations stagnated because I did. I stopped developing myself further. I stopped investigating my limiting beliefs responsible for this stagnation. I didn’t dare to step into my “bigger” consciousness coming with these bigger manifestations
Whenever we try to be in on order to create and this starts from the idea/belief that we’re broken or lacking, our growth is determined by our current self-image. This inner journey is geared towards truly recognizing, believing and embodying the truth that I – we – are already whole and perfect. Everything we want is already within us. There’s no right or wrong turn on our path as every step teaches us something.
But I never got to take that step towards that universal truth as I was too scared to look my own limiting beliefs in the eye. There’s was this force so strong within me keeping me away from learning about this universal truth.
“How can you be whole and perfect as you’re flawed and wrong?”, my ego would keep asking me. “You are not and never will be perfect, you know that”, it would say to me. “You are soooo not worthy. Have you forgotten that you need to be and do this and that way in order to feel loved? You are not and never will be loved the way you are. You’re nothing.”, it would say to me again and again and again.
I didn’t venture onto this path as I couldn’t bare to listen to this voice. It hurt so damn much. I would feel heartbroken, torn up inside and as if I would be crushed because of my felt unworthiness. It literally hurt inside of me whenever I took a step closer towards this truth. That voice would bring up these arguments as to why I shouldn’t go there. I wanted to take that step so bad but I was so convinced of my unworthiness that I didn’t dare to take that step.
I believed that voice. I felt I couldn’t bare the pressure, and weight of not being worthy. Of not being good enough. I truly felt I would be wiped off this earth because I shouldn’t be here. That’s why it took me so long to be able to take that step towards this universal truth. It took a lot of inner work, a lot of reading, a lot of listening to other people before I could sit and listen to that voice in my head and not be affected by it that much. To stop believing it.
So many times would I read a book and feel resistance to it, judge it as being wrong. So many times would I listen to people talk about it and not understand it. Feeling frustrated because I felt those teachings didn’t apply to me.
So what happened? So many people can tell us that we’re loved. So many books to read which tell us we are perfect. But that will never hit home until we are ready to receive it.
For me, things changed during my relationships. My relationships with my lovers and my friends. As I changed from within so did my friendships and lovers. Slowly I felt truly seen and loved, even for just a small amount of time for some friends and lovers but that made it possible for me to make a shift. To feel that I am indeed worthy of love. It didn’t matter what I did as I was broke and lonely most of the time, but it mattered who I was. My energy was seen. My being was seen.
And I felt the courage and support to venture on that path of Universal truth. I took a step, and then another, and then another. And now I cannot stop walking.
I don’t believe there are certain steps we can take or actions we can do to make that shift. For me, it was those relationships, but that might not have worked if I wasn’t ready to receive it. I was ready to receive that lesson because of the inner work I already did before and during those relationships.
For another, it’s a story that hits home, for another, it’s a book that resonates, for another, it’s an experience. We all have different paths and we all have different experiences and I don’t believe I can tell you that if you’de do this and that, you will be able to face your own limiting beliefs.
I do believe it is important to keep on moving. To keep taking steps this or that way. To keep trying, because we cannot know how and when such a shift will happen. We are not able to oversee the bigger picture. We cannot imagine the ways the universe works. So we shouldn’t bother thinking about that and instead, concentrate on the next (small) step we can take here and now.
I’ve been dreading diving deeper within, resisting and avoiding for so long, but this doesn’t make my journey wrong or flawed. There’s always this call to come back home to what’s true for us and we are free to listen or not. And even if we don’t listen out of fear, we are not wrong for doing so. This belief also comes from the premise we’re flawed, wrong, lacking, or broken, which we aren’t.
Manifesting and creating isn’t about generating outer conditions, but more about generating our inner conditions. As a by-product, the laws of the universe will continue to operate by reflecting our journey back to us. Manifestations aren’t about creating, but about becoming who we truly are. Going back to being whole and complete which – in truth- we never ventured away from.
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